3 years old

I recently found myself talking in the third person, yes I have "lost my marbles" if you will. However there are nice moments of clarity here and there amongst the crazy. I have been a rearview mirror thinker as of late, the past has shaped the ME today, yes I am fully aware that I cannot go back in time but the what if scenarios are endless...

Today is my daughter's third birthday. Yes it is a HUGE deal in her world. We have been talking about this day for months, well more so my son has been talking about it for months. The amazing S loves the concept of birthdays and everything that goes along with them. Quite possibly normal for a 4.5 year old boy but then again you most likely have not met my son. Who are you anyways? My son is truly an amazing boy and I am not just saying that because he is my son. He is one gifted, dare I say 'mofo' that is going to turn some freaking heads in the future or shall I say continue to do so. All tangents aside, funny how real life plays out in my writing, my son constantly steals the show. Yes he is the first born but still I am just trying to give my daughter her day, her moment, this blog entry is hers....breathe.

So 3 years old. Wow, where does the time go. I can remember arguing with her mother before she was born about why I will not name my daughter, Talulah, yes, I am so glad I won that one but still wish I would have won some of the more notable debates, another blog, another day, stay focused. So my baby, lil Pey-Pey, Princess P, my lil tank, she came out with her fist raised, a valiant 10 pounder, ready to take on the world. I love those memories of her first days in this world. She is the exact opposite of her big brother but that is exactly the way it was supposed to be, I wouldn't have it any other way. I love my daughter...

My kids are currently ranked #1 on my list. Everything and everyone can take a backseat. I am a Dad, going on 4.5 years now but who's counting. So maybe I got dealt a shit hand but I am still going to play these cards, I can't quit on this game. I am doing my best, yes I could be doing better but for right now this is me and this what I can offer. Today has been entirely dedicated to my baby. We started off with her favorite donuts for breakfast and I surprised her at her school with a special lunch. The look on her face when I tip toed in the room with balloons and treats was soooo amazing. She was crying, and yes I shed a tear too. I have had my fair share of crying days/nights/weeks/months/years so what the hell, let loose, shed a happy tear with my daughter might as well. More activities are scheduled for this evening, keep it going, I like this Dad hat, I think I will keep it.

I have never been more aware of time now that I have children. Watching my children grow up has given me a new appreciation on life. I sort of feel like I am wasting time or that time is passing, these are supposed to be my good years, or at least that is what I thought. I do not regret having children. I do not regret meeting their mother. I do regret some of the choices I made along the way. I hope and I pray that I will never make those same mistakes again. We are creatures of habit and go thru the motions which is fine or maybe not. But then you blink your eyes and a year has passed. I remember my daughters 2nd birthday like it was yesterday, darker days, still pretty dark but if I look at in phases then it was just a phase in the dark period. There is still no carrot. There is still no light. I am grateful. Please don't get me wrong, I only complain because I am highly emotional and highly effected. I thought I made some choices that were solid. I thought wrong. I hate the now of move forward and constantly starting over.

There have been many times throughout my days/nights/weeks where I ask myself, "how much more can you take?" "why do you keep on keeping on?" The answers always vary, the excuses I tell myself, the denial I live in, the fantasy that I continue to paint and repaint, different shades, different layers, who knew how much freaking paint I would have to use. But then if I think this is not just any ordinary painting. This is a life size mural that goes on for miles and miles. I can't give up. This paint brush is super glued to my hand. This is just one of those waves that I gotta ride out...I miss the ocean (dude its a 5 minute drive away says the voice in my head)....breathe.