Good Samaritan, I forgot to say "FUCK YOU"

Four years ago tonight I was in jail. No it wasn't my first time in the slammer but fuck I made sure it was my last. Today has been a long day to say the least. My memories of my last four years have been haunting me all day. I actually took a nap from 5:30pm to 6:30pm just so I could escape. Sleep is really the only way out. My mind is exhausted. My body is pretty much in that same boat.

Do the right thing (easier said than done).

Stay distracted (easier said than done).

Get lost in music....I can do that.

I was never a super fan but Jimmy Eat World had its moments in my life. I love/loved this track. Rad energy.

Seven Eleven

A friend of mine who recently turned 33 was telling me that 33 is considered to be a mystical number, "you know like Club 33 at Disneyland dude." I really wasn't sure what he was talking about so I did some research. Apparently the number 33 has its share of stories... Jesus performed 33 recorded miracles, Bird/Kareem/Pippen all wore the number 33 with valiance and it is also the highest degree in the Scottish rite of Freemasonry.

I have always been stoked to say my birthday was on seven eleven. I am not a big fan of the actual store though and believe or not but I never gone to 711 to get a free slurpee. I am sure someone will remind me today that I can do that.

My kids are stoked about my birthday. I easily forget how powerful birthdays are in their little eyes. The cake, the presents, the celebration of all things...ME!

I can't help but look back on this past year. Look at my accomplishments and my failures. I still have yet to do anything substantial with the brand. Sure I have a few big things in production as I type but as usual I let my head/emotions dominate most of my decisions this year.

I wrote this blog entry on my birthday last year. I am obviously a rearview mirror thinker lately. At the time, I thought I did a nice job breaking down some of my most memorable birthday moments. I was asked about my 25th birthday today and for the life of me I could not remember what I did. Our conversation was mainly about birthdays after 25 not really having much significance. I think if I was in a better mood I could have argued that they just keep getting better but now that I have kids, I truly feel the age factor, I feel time passing faster and faster.

My expectations are low. I do not foresee any gifts or any surprises. Hello 33, I hope you treat me better than 32.

Time

In the past couple years I have been taking notes, I guess you could call it a diary. I have always enjoyed writing and it just felt natural to document my thoughts and reflections. Let's face it, real therapy is expensive and never really did much for me besides drain my bank account. Someone suggested that I take up yoga (pass). Another friend suggested that I read books about peaceful topics like the art of zen (not there yet). Instead I chose the journal method, writing small entries on the daily. I am not planning on releasing any of these notes to the public, just acknowledging my overall action. Obviously the better I feel, the less I write (those days are rad). The themes are truly the only constant: heartbreak, loss, starting over, hesitation, defeat, hope, and love.

I have performed 360 degree backflips only to realize that the world around me is basically the same. I am well aware that I cannot change anyone. I am convinced that most folks just get older and never change. I am coming up on another birthday (711)...another year older (who fucking cares?)... I am also coming up on my 4th year anniversary of my sobriety (who fucking cares?) To be honest, I don't care to think about it anymore. I am not proud of my sobriety, it has not been a hard thing to do so I am not  looking for any "good job" or pat on the back. I am like an elephant, I never forget but as the time goes on I think less about it. Sure life is totally boring without substance but I have come to accept this. I never said never but timing is everything and now is not the time to be fucked up. I know a few heads who would argue that statement with me till the cows come home but at this point I will keep on keepn on.

I still have my hope. I still have my small list of "never give ups" but I am highly sensitive to where I stand lately. My list has possibly stunted my growth as a human being. I have never been the type to run with the wolf pack but the more i trip on that concept I think maybe that would have saved me from falling into this big ass hole. If everything happens for a reason then I am supposed to go thru this crap (my destiny, ugh). Lessons will be learned and mistakes will not be repeated (fingers crossed).

I was once a night owl, becoming a dad changed that, my kids are exhausting but I love them dearly.

Fuck you groundhogs day, fuck you.