Time

In the past couple years I have been taking notes, I guess you could call it a diary. I have always enjoyed writing and it just felt natural to document my thoughts and reflections. Let's face it, real therapy is expensive and never really did much for me besides drain my bank account. Someone suggested that I take up yoga (pass). Another friend suggested that I read books about peaceful topics like the art of zen (not there yet). Instead I chose the journal method, writing small entries on the daily. I am not planning on releasing any of these notes to the public, just acknowledging my overall action. Obviously the better I feel, the less I write (those days are rad). The themes are truly the only constant: heartbreak, loss, starting over, hesitation, defeat, hope, and love.

I have performed 360 degree backflips only to realize that the world around me is basically the same. I am well aware that I cannot change anyone. I am convinced that most folks just get older and never change. I am coming up on another birthday (711)...another year older (who fucking cares?)... I am also coming up on my 4th year anniversary of my sobriety (who fucking cares?) To be honest, I don't care to think about it anymore. I am not proud of my sobriety, it has not been a hard thing to do so I am not  looking for any "good job" or pat on the back. I am like an elephant, I never forget but as the time goes on I think less about it. Sure life is totally boring without substance but I have come to accept this. I never said never but timing is everything and now is not the time to be fucked up. I know a few heads who would argue that statement with me till the cows come home but at this point I will keep on keepn on.

I still have my hope. I still have my small list of "never give ups" but I am highly sensitive to where I stand lately. My list has possibly stunted my growth as a human being. I have never been the type to run with the wolf pack but the more i trip on that concept I think maybe that would have saved me from falling into this big ass hole. If everything happens for a reason then I am supposed to go thru this crap (my destiny, ugh). Lessons will be learned and mistakes will not be repeated (fingers crossed).

I was once a night owl, becoming a dad changed that, my kids are exhausting but I love them dearly.

Fuck you groundhogs day, fuck you.