3 years old

I recently found myself talking in the third person, yes I have "lost my marbles" if you will. However there are nice moments of clarity here and there amongst the crazy. I have been a rearview mirror thinker as of late, the past has shaped the ME today, yes I am fully aware that I cannot go back in time but the what if scenarios are endless...

Today is my daughter's third birthday. Yes it is a HUGE deal in her world. We have been talking about this day for months, well more so my son has been talking about it for months. The amazing S loves the concept of birthdays and everything that goes along with them. Quite possibly normal for a 4.5 year old boy but then again you most likely have not met my son. Who are you anyways? My son is truly an amazing boy and I am not just saying that because he is my son. He is one gifted, dare I say 'mofo' that is going to turn some freaking heads in the future or shall I say continue to do so. All tangents aside, funny how real life plays out in my writing, my son constantly steals the show. Yes he is the first born but still I am just trying to give my daughter her day, her moment, this blog entry is hers....breathe.

So 3 years old. Wow, where does the time go. I can remember arguing with her mother before she was born about why I will not name my daughter, Talulah, yes, I am so glad I won that one but still wish I would have won some of the more notable debates, another blog, another day, stay focused. So my baby, lil Pey-Pey, Princess P, my lil tank, she came out with her fist raised, a valiant 10 pounder, ready to take on the world. I love those memories of her first days in this world. She is the exact opposite of her big brother but that is exactly the way it was supposed to be, I wouldn't have it any other way. I love my daughter...

My kids are currently ranked #1 on my list. Everything and everyone can take a backseat. I am a Dad, going on 4.5 years now but who's counting. So maybe I got dealt a shit hand but I am still going to play these cards, I can't quit on this game. I am doing my best, yes I could be doing better but for right now this is me and this what I can offer. Today has been entirely dedicated to my baby. We started off with her favorite donuts for breakfast and I surprised her at her school with a special lunch. The look on her face when I tip toed in the room with balloons and treats was soooo amazing. She was crying, and yes I shed a tear too. I have had my fair share of crying days/nights/weeks/months/years so what the hell, let loose, shed a happy tear with my daughter might as well. More activities are scheduled for this evening, keep it going, I like this Dad hat, I think I will keep it.

I have never been more aware of time now that I have children. Watching my children grow up has given me a new appreciation on life. I sort of feel like I am wasting time or that time is passing, these are supposed to be my good years, or at least that is what I thought. I do not regret having children. I do not regret meeting their mother. I do regret some of the choices I made along the way. I hope and I pray that I will never make those same mistakes again. We are creatures of habit and go thru the motions which is fine or maybe not. But then you blink your eyes and a year has passed. I remember my daughters 2nd birthday like it was yesterday, darker days, still pretty dark but if I look at in phases then it was just a phase in the dark period. There is still no carrot. There is still no light. I am grateful. Please don't get me wrong, I only complain because I am highly emotional and highly effected. I thought I made some choices that were solid. I thought wrong. I hate the now of move forward and constantly starting over.

There have been many times throughout my days/nights/weeks where I ask myself, "how much more can you take?" "why do you keep on keeping on?" The answers always vary, the excuses I tell myself, the denial I live in, the fantasy that I continue to paint and repaint, different shades, different layers, who knew how much freaking paint I would have to use. But then if I think this is not just any ordinary painting. This is a life size mural that goes on for miles and miles. I can't give up. This paint brush is super glued to my hand. This is just one of those waves that I gotta ride out...I miss the ocean (dude its a 5 minute drive away says the voice in my head)....breathe.

Get Pin'd

I have been holding off on this one for quite some time now. This "lifestyle clothing project" aka Cavotu has many levels and on those levels we have wish lists. Yes I started everything with a simple screen printed tee shirt but my hopes/dreams/intentions have always been to expand, gain mad weight, add extra extra pounds and adjust the belt notch accordingly.

When I dabbled in the hat game, I thought about the sock game, and when I dabbled in the sock game I thought about the shoe game. Obviously the first 2 on that list came to fruition but I still roll with the motto "never say never", tattoo that ish on my neck. I'm not sure if it goes well with the "never win" tattoo on my forehead but nonetheless let's talk shop aka accessories.

I purchased a fancy brand spanking new pin machine (size one inch diameter pins only) back in 2009. The box remained sealed shut until last week. Yes, you read that correctly. One would think that when they make a substantial purchase on a fun new toy that they would be so excited to rip the packaging to shreds like it was Xmas morning but sorry folks, this is me, I am Joey, still not a big fan of Xmas morning or any gifts/package/opening/unveiling for that matter. I have no shame. I am a strange bird.

Rather than elaborate on my logic for why the box remained sealed, let us focus on the present. The present like today, today is a nice Fall season throw on a light rain jacket kind of day. Sounds like a cool day to release something um, dare I say cool?

Limited edition pin packs are now available on the website (here, click here for Cavotu.com). Everything has been completely DIY. The packaging came out pretty sick, small details make all the difference. Each six pack is different. I might open up a Q/A sesh for custom orders but as of right now if you buy then you get random Cavotu fun/goodness. All the pins are 1 inch in diameter. Perfect for your shirt pockets, hats, backpacks, jackets etc. Collect em, trade em and well pin them of course.

I would be a liar if I said I wasn't proud of this particular project. I miss dabbling in the creative juices. Be on the lookout for more product to come. You smell that? No, go ahead, smell again. Yep, you are right. It smells like a fire and I am going to keep this one burning.

Get pin'd mofos!

Mary Jane

Happy Cavotuesday folks, friends, fiends, foes. Ok ok sometimes alliteration is just dumb, dumb as in look at me, silly me. I am the silly one who has not written a blog in weeks so I quickly stumble over my words, slip and slide through the first paragraph which is supposed to introduce the topic and pull the reader in for..........more.

Not a day goes by where I don't come across something blog worthy, I guess we all do. Life happens and it is safe to say that the general population is not blogging about it on the Internet. I am not special yet I have a tendency to proclaim that I am more aware of my surroundings than others. Observant with that capital O. At one point the grade school girls called me Oey. Far from the coolest nickname in the book but fortunately the name Oey only stuck for about 5 minutes in reality. Unfortunately Oey remains eternally in my memory.

School days are behind me now unless I decide to go back and stack degrees like it's a hobby. Speaking of hobbies, oops none here, oh wait I got a new one, I have been swimming laps 4/5 days a week. Yes I have been getting my "Michael Phelps" on sans the 12,000 calorie diet and the medicinal greenery. Awesome lead (I tell myself).

This morning as I walked out of my kids school, a young girl and her mother crossed my path. The school director instantly yelled out, "Good morning Mary Jane!" What? Really? I walked out with a smile on my face and kept these lips sealed. No need to comment to a total stranger aka my son's fellow classmate. MJ could even be his right hand girl for all I know, the life of a four year old, sweet.

Now I can't help but think that little "MaryJane" was named after...well her great great grandmother from the old country of course. Obviously my opinion, which is just an opinion, leans towards the exact opposite. I think that Dad and Mom are total stoners and that they love marijuana so much that they had to name their daughter after their first love or as my friend Tony likes to call it "the greatest thing that has ever happened to me."

Now I know a couple of pot heads who named their daughter Kaya which I have always thought was totally cool. But when I say cool, I mean cool because Kaya is one of my favorite Bob Marley albums and the name just sounds Hawaiian which I attribute to the islands, surfing, fun in the sun, etc. (I need a vacation, bags are freaking packed). But not cool enough to be something I would do. Plus my last name pretty much distorts the hell out of any cool name. Truth spoken/typed.

Things are obviously different now and young parents have been exploring names far from the traditional options. I am not going to lie, naming my children was super challenging. I read the books and wrote several lists, yes hand written lists. I would walk around at work saying the names out loud, trying to imagine what it would be like. Yes I did. I still went into both labors without a name picked. Sure I had my top 5 but after each birth I looked at my top and was like 'no way!' In looking back I am stoked on the choices I made, S and P totally fit, I could not see it any other way.

So I am sure MJ will probably get that vibe for the rest of her life. The boys/girls will snicker in school and the teachers will always say it with a smile. But maybe not, maybe it really is just a name and I am the weirdo for having these thoughts. I suppose she can always just go by Mary. Maybe her folks are huge Spiderman fans and her brother is named Peter Parker. Highly doubt it but that would be madness. Regardless, I would never be able to pull that trigger. Even if I smoked herb all day every day, I would still never name my daughter Mary Jane.

Peace and love.

She says

A month later I emerge from the shadows. I would love to come back firing, all hyped up, juiced on that positivity and type out some super cheese line like "everything is wonderful" but...NOPE. The last time I checked they still call this place "HELL" so it's all good. Cheers to consistency right?

So August, whatcha got for me?

I've been making a valiant effort to do more random stuff. Step out of my comfort zone, force the awkwardness and venture out into unfamiliar territory. And no I am not talking about hallucinating drugs but that does sound rather tempting, hmm. I am talking about life. I am tired of feeling dead.

So what's cool?

Last weekend I rolled to Casino Morongo to meet up with my friend, Julie. Now Julie has a cool person job and she travels with the hottest female DJ in Las Vegas, the one and only Tina T. My plan was to meet Tina, experience life, listen to some music and lurk around the random Indian casino in the middle of nowhere. Yes it was silly. Yes I drank way too many Red Bulls. No I am not a dancer and/or club goer but to be honest, Tina's set was solid.

The moral of the story is that I followed thru with a random idea. I was really hoping to get some inspiration from Tina. Tap into that young energy and hear the motivation of a talented female who makes a living on playing music for thousands of people in random cities every night. But Tina ended up rolling out the side exit and our stars have yet to align. Sort of like a too good to be true scenario but next time for sure. So I wandered around Morongo and watched all the people gamble their hard earned dollars into stupid slot machines, hoping for that big break screaming out that show me the money while the casino just rolls in the dough...

Over Me

I found myself watching TV today, and for the record I never watch TV. I totally planned on purchasing this huge flat screen for my pad like 5 years ago but ended up getting screwed around by the TV place. Bottom line was that I never got my TV and never got motivated to buy another one. Life is better without TV. Period.

Ok so it might sound odd when I tell people I do not own a TV but I really don't miss it. Today I was lurking around my parents house and I turned on CNN to watch the Batman fiasco. I could only handle a few minutes of it. Not to say the tragedy is insignificant, stuff like that is really disturbing and scary. Just too much overall.

I think about death a lot lately. I think about cars losing control on the street and crashing into me as I am walking. I have been walking around more than usual. I used to enjoy walking but now I'm indifferent.

I was inside a movie theatre during a major earthquake. It felt so surreal as the floor and walls were moving. I can't even imagine what it would be like to witness the homeboy shooting spree.

I remember lining up around the block to see the original Batman in 1989. I was so excited, I even wore my favorite Batman shirt. I know those movie watchers were super excited to be the first to see the latest installment in the Batman series. I have always admired the Gotham city saga. Whatever age, it's just super cool and everyone agrees. I will most likely see the film once the crowds simmer down.

I got super sidetracked on my original purpose of this blog. My intent was to ramble on about the Laguna Beach MTV show but now I'm burnt. Peace.

Follow Thru

Yes, for some it might be a simple part of life, say something and then follow thru but not me. Following thru is my weakness, not to be confused with being lazy. Maybe I just have issues with prioritizing my life. I am trying to stay positive with this post so let's just say I am working on my follow thru game. Baby steps people, truth spoken.

Last Sunday I rolled down to see the Palmer Squares rock the house at Badfish Clothing in San Pedro. From what I heard, this was their first California mini tour so I am stoked to be a part of it. Badfish has been around for a few but I finally got the chance to speak with the owner, Josh. Real cool cat, down to earth, much respect. Josh was all smiles to see his spot packed on a Sunday night. Free show during the summer season definitely brought the kids out to play. I wasn't familiar with the other acts on the bill but the crowd seemed to know whats up when they heard their favorite jams.

I usually snap a few pics during live concerts but never even think about recording videos. I have a feeling you are going to hear more about these dudes in the future so I filmed a couple songs. Enjoy!

Thirteen

Whatever you do, don't do this...um yeah whatever, I don't even let that Friday the 13th nonsense phase me. I would say that the majority of my days are filled with one small disaster after another, no I am just drama, it's really how my day rolls out. I jokingly say that I often find myself fighting off mini heart attacks all day.

Today was actually pretty cool. I hoped for blank and it happened. Just like that, then everything fell into place after that. I really couldn't complain. Thank you. I put that positive energy out there and received positive results. Now let's try that again tomorrow and keep the ball rolling. Stay vicious my friends.

Thursday

"Hold onto your passion and enthusiasm and infect everyone else with it…" -Bobby Hundreds.

Another day here on the grind. I make it point to check in everyday with the companies that continue to inspire me and remind me to keep pushing forward. The Hundreds is by far one of the brands that I look up to the most. And it is not even about their clothes, which I do not even particularly care for which might seem odd to some especially since they are an apparel brand. What I admire is their dedication, their consistency, their connection with their fans, their roots, their goals, their drive, their passion etc, the list goes on. The Hundreds have been able to create global brand awareness not because of their $2 Alstyle oversized cotton tee shirt with some screen printed logo on it. They have taken it to the next level because of their passion. They have risked it all and kept moving forward. 


This is clearly my problem. My hesitation, my lack of confidence and my worry have lead me down the going no where path. But it leaves me questioning if I am even capable. Why do I lack that motivation? Why do I lack that drive? I am sort of left here SMH. 

Seven Eleven

Today is my 32nd birthday. In my youth I was stoked on having a July birthday because I was out of school, summer season was in full swing and I felt free as a bird. As I got older the responsibility of work often got in the way but I still managed to enjoy my special day in one way or another. I can't help but look to the past and reflect on my most meaningful birthday moments.

I turned the big 21 while I was living in Singapore during my college exchange program. I had a fake ID since I was 19 so buying booze and drinking in bars/restaurants was not that exciting but the idea of doing it legally was still pretty powerful. The legal drinking age in Singapore is 18 so none of my new friends really thought much of the milestone. I still managed to let loose all day and night.

I turned 23 in Sevilla, Spain while I was on my 3 month European backpacking adventure. The trip was amazing and exhausting all at the same time. I visited 10 countries that summer. On that particular night I saw a traditional flamenco show and had a nice dinner by the river.

I spent my 26th birthday flying over Del Mar, California in a hot air balloon. It was an amazing present and I am still grateful for that opportunity. The winds got the best of the balloon and we ended up crash landing in someones backyard. No one got hurt and our driver said "don't worry, this happens all the time" but yeah right buddy. Definitely a classic day.

I spent my 30th birthday in my favorite city in world, New York. I was gifted a 5 day trip to NYC to enjoy, experience, and get inspired. I was alone but that was clearly by choice. The energy of NYC always brings me back for more. I can never get enough of that city.

Last year I was house hunting. I was in the process of placing an offer on small two bedroom home in San Pedro. I spent my 31st birthday with my realtor, inspectors, bankers etc as we walked thru final inspections on the property. It was a huge adult step day and I felt super confident with my decision. Unfortunately the deal fell thru and the downward spiral quickly took off from there.

Which brings me to today. I'm 32 and I am alone. No plans. No trips. No gifts. No fancy anything. Yes I am a bit sad but I am hopeful that things will not stay like this forever. I have my work cut out for me but I know it is possible. I did not get in this situation over night so I expect it will take some time to climb out of the hole. Just gotta stay positive. Easier said then done though. Cheers!

Cavotuesday

I guess you could say I am sleep deprived. My mind is heavy and I can't even slow it down. I have a tendency to procrastinate so when the motivation is flowing I have no choice but to keep it moving. Sleep is overrated and life is happening. Might as well get it done.

I attended a friends art show the other night. We lost touch over the years but have managed to connect on FB off and on. Lately I have started to hate FB more than love it but it is what it is. I had no idea my friend was dabbling in the painted canvas game. Here is a quick snap of one of his pieces.



I should of took more pics but my mind was not even thinking about this blog a few days ago. Last time I checked in with this cat he was collecting vinyl and producing music. As an artist, I can appreciate the transition into other forms of creativity. It's definitely the right approach to avoid getting stagnant. Yet that's exactly what happened to me, I got stuck in the mud. Obviously I am still learning around here.

So another Cavotuesday, another reason to stay inspired and keep moving forward.

The Palmer Squares

I appreciate all genres of music especially as I get older. I couldn't stand the whole rave/dance electronic music ish when I was back in college. Despite the fact that my girlfriend was totally into that scene. I refused to buy in, I always thought maybe it had something to do with that fact that I wasn't on E. But drugs don't make the music good or do they? Call me a hypocrite or call me someone who as evolved in their musical palate but I found myself searching for random EDC artists/djs a few minutes ago.

Tastes evolve, our palates change. I remember I used to hate tomatoes and now I freaking munch down on them like apples. Crunch crunch. Styles grow on us, just as trends come and go. I like to consider myself someone who has an eye for that kind of thing. Not necessarily the trend setter but the one who stops for a minute, notices something is brewing and says "whoa this going to blow" and BOOM! 3 months later everyone and their mother in the clothing game is doing snap back hats. Yep, I called it. FYI the first Cavotu hat was a corduroy snap back and not a trucker. Fully customized from the brim to the very last stitching detail. Anyone can buy a blank and slap a logo, yes.

Back to the message at hand. The youth of tomorrow definitely have a way better grasp on what's on and poppn'. Earlier tonight I stumbled upon these dudes from Chicago, the Palmer Squares. Turns out they are playing a free show in San Pedro on Sunday. I said it before, and I will probably say it again- see ya in the pit!

Back in the saddle

I am a failure, plain and simple. In the past year and half I have gradually lost everything that I used to call normal in my life. Just when I thought I had reached the bottom, I seem to find another level below that one. I have a tendency to think about things from a negative point of view but I am really having trouble shaking this black cloud. I will grow from this experience. I will never be in this position again. But the real question is where do I begin?

I am filled with ten millions excuses as to why I never got this brand up and running with some regularity. I filled my plate with every task possible and never delegated any of the work out because I always saw the project as my baby, my responsibility, my vision which in my mind meant that I would have to be the one doing every little thing. Obviously poor choice in thinking there. I rarely ask for help in life. I keep thinking I can do everything on my own but even Superman has a weakness.

Admitting that I have failed in life is a pretty huge deal. It has caused a great amount of depression, sadness, pain etc. I am definitely not my old self. I do not like who I have become or where I am going. And yes I realize I am the only one who has the power to officially change that. I know these things. I have done my reading yet I still feel like I have both feet stuck in the cement.

I will be turning 32 this week. I had a vision of what 32 would look like and honey this is definitely the wrong screenplay. When I was in my 20's I used to jokingly tell people that I would be dead by the time I turned 30. I had a few close calls there along on the way where I should have easily been killed. I am not much of a spiritual person but someone is keeping me around for a reason.

Lately I have been feeling as if my black cloud is lingering on those around me. Yes, I know that is just foolish to think I have the power to spread bad luck but it sure is coincidental. Therefore I have isolated myself more than ever. Being alone is also a choice which I prefer yet I know it is not healthy. I know it is not the answer.

It makes me sad to see this blog so abandoned and lifeless. In the past I tried so hard to get a post in at least once a day, if not a few times a week. It was always super challenging for me. It wasn't necessarily finding something to write about but just making the habit of making it a priority. My priorities are clearly all over the place yet I rarely take care of myself and that my friends is the main problem. If you don't love yourself you will not be able to take care of anyone else. All my so called problems start with me. I have complained about this topic before but no one reads my blog so I can ramble on.

I think that I am a decent writer and I enjoy the diary entry feeling of blogging. Yes, I open up. Yes, I wear my heart on my sleeve. No, I am not suicidal. No, I am not on drugs. I am actually coming up on my 3 year anniversary of being sober. I do not attend meetings or get special chips or cake, I just charge forward because that lifestyle doesn't make sense anymore. Not to say that I am better than it, I loved to party and I had a hell of a good run. I would be lying if I said I did not miss it despite the greatest of times were often just foggy memories. Life is all about timing. This is clearly not the time for me to be abusing the mind and body. But the one down fall to clear headed life is that I am always thinking about my problems, my depression, my lame situation, I can't seem to distract myself long enough to forget. That is what I miss about XYZ is that it gave you that break, that time to zone out and just enjoy the moment.

Side note: I am trying my best to not swear at all in this post. I have caught myself several times already. I am annoyed by hearing trashy words coming out of my mouth. A few weeks ago I was talking with an attractive female during a random odd job event and I said the F word like 5 times in one sentence. I caught myself and I even said out loud, "wow, I'm sorry, there is no need for me even to be using that language right now" anyhow embarrassing indeed, definitely didn't score any cool guy points there. Moving on...

So about a month ago I got the fire under my bottom. I got super excited. I rounded up the troops. I told some tall tales. I love telling stories. The fire began to burn steady. One conversation lead to 4 more and the ball was rolling. I tried to not over think it, stay positive, keep the momentum flowing forward. Then BAM, I got hit last week. I got hit hard. A key ingredient was no longer in the mix. As a former chef, I know what happens when you run out of something, YOU IMPROVISE AND MOVE ON! There I said it. I am keeping the positive vibe. In the past I have been known to make promises that go unfulfilled yet I know in my heart of hearts that type of statement is a total hit on my character. I am better than that. I am better than that. I have to remember there is a reason I am still here. That is what will keep me going....

 -Joey

Yep...

excerpted from “Captain Corelli's Mandolin”, a novel by
Louis de Bernieres
Love is a temporary madness,
it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides.
And when it subsides you have to make a decision.
You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together
that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.
Because this is what love is.
Love is not breathlessness,
it is not excitement,
it is not the promulgation of eternal passion.
That is just being "in love" which any fool can do.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away,
and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.
Those that truly love, have roots that grow towards each other
underground,
and when all the pretty blossom have fallen from their branches,
they find that they are one tree and not two.

Detour

First post of the new year, yeah I have been writing and writing, typing and typing yet not uploading and uploading...more like unloading.

So let's just be honest and say 2011 was by far not my best year. I took some heavy punches and got buried alive more times than I am willing to admit. The game of life, well for me anyways, has been a tough one. I had to make a shift and adjust my current state of reality. Hopefully I can grow from this experience and in the end I will be a better person. I have faced quite a few challenges in my early 30's and have been forced to stay on my toes. Any sign of weakness at this point will only hinder my process. I am CAVOTU and I can do this.