Back in the saddle

I am a failure, plain and simple. In the past year and half I have gradually lost everything that I used to call normal in my life. Just when I thought I had reached the bottom, I seem to find another level below that one. I have a tendency to think about things from a negative point of view but I am really having trouble shaking this black cloud. I will grow from this experience. I will never be in this position again. But the real question is where do I begin?

I am filled with ten millions excuses as to why I never got this brand up and running with some regularity. I filled my plate with every task possible and never delegated any of the work out because I always saw the project as my baby, my responsibility, my vision which in my mind meant that I would have to be the one doing every little thing. Obviously poor choice in thinking there. I rarely ask for help in life. I keep thinking I can do everything on my own but even Superman has a weakness.

Admitting that I have failed in life is a pretty huge deal. It has caused a great amount of depression, sadness, pain etc. I am definitely not my old self. I do not like who I have become or where I am going. And yes I realize I am the only one who has the power to officially change that. I know these things. I have done my reading yet I still feel like I have both feet stuck in the cement.

I will be turning 32 this week. I had a vision of what 32 would look like and honey this is definitely the wrong screenplay. When I was in my 20's I used to jokingly tell people that I would be dead by the time I turned 30. I had a few close calls there along on the way where I should have easily been killed. I am not much of a spiritual person but someone is keeping me around for a reason.

Lately I have been feeling as if my black cloud is lingering on those around me. Yes, I know that is just foolish to think I have the power to spread bad luck but it sure is coincidental. Therefore I have isolated myself more than ever. Being alone is also a choice which I prefer yet I know it is not healthy. I know it is not the answer.

It makes me sad to see this blog so abandoned and lifeless. In the past I tried so hard to get a post in at least once a day, if not a few times a week. It was always super challenging for me. It wasn't necessarily finding something to write about but just making the habit of making it a priority. My priorities are clearly all over the place yet I rarely take care of myself and that my friends is the main problem. If you don't love yourself you will not be able to take care of anyone else. All my so called problems start with me. I have complained about this topic before but no one reads my blog so I can ramble on.

I think that I am a decent writer and I enjoy the diary entry feeling of blogging. Yes, I open up. Yes, I wear my heart on my sleeve. No, I am not suicidal. No, I am not on drugs. I am actually coming up on my 3 year anniversary of being sober. I do not attend meetings or get special chips or cake, I just charge forward because that lifestyle doesn't make sense anymore. Not to say that I am better than it, I loved to party and I had a hell of a good run. I would be lying if I said I did not miss it despite the greatest of times were often just foggy memories. Life is all about timing. This is clearly not the time for me to be abusing the mind and body. But the one down fall to clear headed life is that I am always thinking about my problems, my depression, my lame situation, I can't seem to distract myself long enough to forget. That is what I miss about XYZ is that it gave you that break, that time to zone out and just enjoy the moment.

Side note: I am trying my best to not swear at all in this post. I have caught myself several times already. I am annoyed by hearing trashy words coming out of my mouth. A few weeks ago I was talking with an attractive female during a random odd job event and I said the F word like 5 times in one sentence. I caught myself and I even said out loud, "wow, I'm sorry, there is no need for me even to be using that language right now" anyhow embarrassing indeed, definitely didn't score any cool guy points there. Moving on...

So about a month ago I got the fire under my bottom. I got super excited. I rounded up the troops. I told some tall tales. I love telling stories. The fire began to burn steady. One conversation lead to 4 more and the ball was rolling. I tried to not over think it, stay positive, keep the momentum flowing forward. Then BAM, I got hit last week. I got hit hard. A key ingredient was no longer in the mix. As a former chef, I know what happens when you run out of something, YOU IMPROVISE AND MOVE ON! There I said it. I am keeping the positive vibe. In the past I have been known to make promises that go unfulfilled yet I know in my heart of hearts that type of statement is a total hit on my character. I am better than that. I am better than that. I have to remember there is a reason I am still here. That is what will keep me going....

 -Joey